The 50/50 Fallacy

Many people will say that marriage is 50/50. I am here to tell you it is 100/100. If you are only giving half of your effort and your partner is only giving half of hers, it is only a matter of time until you are both ready for divorce.

This post is mainly referring to marriage but you can apply the same principles to any relationship. It is amazing how much raising children has changed how I manage people at work and in the general public. I am not sure if that is because we have to treat so many grown adults like children or that it is more effective to treat our children more like we would adults.

Over the years I have found myself drawn to standing with other men through the trials and triumphs of life. On that journey I have spent a lot of time talking to married men, most of them are unhappy, unfulfilled, and on the verge of divorce. They have either been forged in the fires and come out on the other side stronger or they are burnt up and but embers of the man they once were.

With almost no exception there is usually a common theme amongst the men, they don’t know how to connect with their wife. How can we have a happy marriage without knowing what makes her happy? How can we support our wife if we don’t know how to allow her to support us.

The early years were rife with cold communication, fierce fights, and quiet nights. I even made her so mad once she ran me over with my pick-up truck, it was at that moment I learned to not call her bluff. The thing is neither of us was willing to budge or back down. Every molehill was a mountain to die on and we weren’t about to let go of the gained ground. It was a huge breakthrough in our marriage when my wife and I finally learned how to communicate our desires and needs to one another in a way that was beneficial and healthy.

We think it is just assumed that our wife knows that we love her. We think that our wife knows that we love her because we are still married to her. What most of us don’t realize until it is too late is that it doesn’t work that way. Many men can’t figure out where the spark has gone. They can’t figure out why their wife doesn’t seem happy when he gets home from work. Why she doesn’t get excited about gifts that we buy her. Why she doesn’t thank me and drag me off to the bedroom when I help her clean around the house. Why she doesn’t swoon at my touch like she once did.

What happened to the butterflies? What happened to the lightning we once felt when we held hands?

It is a result of years of neglect from one or both parties. Most men don’t know what they want out of the marriage beyond what we get out of it. Most of us got married to get something in return. None of us are selfless servants who married our wife to pour our life’s work entirely into her and to chase her dreams. Most men didn’t plan out their wedding day when they were young children like women often do but we all have an expectation of what we want out of a wife. It is from this lack of expectations and not knowing that leads to neglect. We think the problems will take care of themselves if we just ignore them long enough.

If you are anything like me you got married because she is easy on the eyes, takes care of the house, and takes care of my needs. I got married for everything that I could gain and didn’t think about what I would need to bring to the table. I didn’t think about what she expected from me. What she needed from me. I was young and naive. I was selfish. I learned these lessons the hard way and it nearly cost me my wife. It took years of great men in my life pouring into me and helping me learn when to press into her, when to give her space, and when to know that I needed to stand my ground. I had to learn to love my wife in an understanding way.

Along the same lines, many men don’t know what they want out of life. Do I want to climb the corporate ladder? Do I want to blaze my own trail in life? Do I want to be happy with a mediocre job that allows me to spend more time with my family?

Many are still asking what do I want in life!?. So many of us are lost. We are lost in a life we didn’t plan for. We are lost in a meaningless job we took because we and to and now we feel stuck. We are lost in a marriage that we are unsure of how it got so broken and don’t know how to fix it.

I can’t tell you what you want out of life but I hope that the message I am sharing here will give you something to think about and give you some new tools to help your relationships be successful. I hope that you can draw some parallels from the life experiences I share here and it resonates within you or it gives you a tool to share with someone you know. I would love to hear about your experiences and lessons you have learned the hard way or maybe were even wise enough to pick up from someone else.

Stay in the fight men. Stay in the fight for our wife, our children, our sovereignty. Standing Shoulder to Shoulder through the trials and triumphs of life. See you next time men.

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